Perfection: What It Means to Be Perfect

Perfection....A  word that has plagued my entire life in some form or the other. I am a perfectionist. I strive for excellence. But, what does that mean?
   My entire life I have hidden everything "imperfect" about me. No matter how much I succeeded, it wasn't good enough. I could do better. I imagine I was doing this as a child because my mom tells me how "high maintenance" I was as a child. But, I can't help but wonder how much joy being a perfectionist has taken out of my life.
   The earliest success that I can remember that I felt I could do better at was when I was in 7th grade. I started playing the saxophone and by all accounts was really good at it. After playing for almost 7 months, I went to an event called solo and ensemble and achieved the highest ranking you can achieve: a superior rating. 7 months after I STARTED playing. One would be elated right? No, I could do better. After beating out over a hundred students for mid-state band in 8th grade (1 Year after I started), I was saddened that I "could do better." I was a section leader in band as a sophomore in high school, slightly rare, but "I could do better." I was a mostly A student in high school with occasional B's, oh my gosh a B. EEK. I could do better. Graduated top 10% with honors in high school. I could do better. Received scholarships to college, graduated college with a 3.6 GPA. Oh my gosh, I could do better. Passed my PCAT, got accepted to my school of choice for pharmacy school. Somehow I didn't deserve it. Graduated pharmacy school with a 3.4 GPA. Failure. Got a job with an amazing company and was promoted to pharmacy manager after working as a pharmacist with the company for 6 months. But, you guessed it, I could do better.
    You get the idea. But, it was not only with success. Body image. I have always been slightly to a little more overweight. Oh my god, I said it. Miss hide her imperfections admitted one. But, other than health reasons, why should I care what anyone thought. Well, I cared what everyone thought. And still struggle with it. But, over time I have come to the conclusion that I am beautiful just the way I am at that specific point in time...small, big, blue, green, fuzzy, bright, etc. I find myself now giggling inside when I listen to people talk about the next crazy fad "life style change" i.e. "diet" they are going to try because I realize that they are so obsessed with what everyone else thinks that the obvious escapes them. The obvious being that a life style change is one you make every moment of every day. It does not come from some crazy, I will not eat this or that, or I will only eat things that come from XYZ, or for 6 months my "life style change" will consist of ABC, etc. But, a life style change is ATTITUDE. BELIEF. FAITH. KNOWLEDGE. POWER. STRENGTH. SELF ASSURANCE. SELF CONFIDENCE. LOVE. SUPPORT. GROWTH. It is inside yourself choosing to change one reality into another by means of CHOOSING to view things differently. SO, when I hear about how miserable people are with their looks, job, marriage, weight, etc, I think hummm, attitude. How can one build them self up and change what they want when the expectations in their head are that they are not good enough. Whether they realize that is what they are doing or not that is what is happening when one looks in the mirror and says "ugh I need to lose weight' Instead of "wow, you look beautiful today."
   So, why is this so hard? Why do we strive for perfection instead of enjoying our successes and accepting who we are at that very moment, realizing that "Rome wasn't built in a day." Is it societal pressure? Maybe. But, I have realized that we are all our own worst enemies. No one can hurt you quite as bad as you can hurt yourself. Only YOU steal your joy. Only YOU make yourself uncomfortable with your looks. ONLY you notice those tiny imperfections. And the GREAT thing....ONLY you can change it.
    So, Here is a challenge. Accept yourself. WOW WHAT? Yes, accept yourself for who you are. Underweight, overweight, brown hair, blue hair, green eyes, big feet, etc. Because everyone is imperfect. Striving for perfection is like jumping off a cliff thinking you are going to be able to fly. It's just not going to happen. However, when you allow yourself to become perfect in your eyes. Well, then you have achieved the greatest feat of all.
   So, bask in your success no matter how big or small. Enjoy yourself for who you are today. Always find the good. Complain less. Accept yourself. Love others. And learn from every success, failure, moment, and event in your life. Don't steal your own happiness at the cost of what someone else might think. Most of all don't steal your own joy based off the unrealistic expectations you set for yourself. ALWAYS reach for the stars. If you only make it halfway then I bet the journey was amazing. If you make it all the way then enjoy it. If you don't make it out of the house, find a new dream! :) Always set goals and dreams and then move yourself out of the way so you can enjoy achieving them! LIVE!
   

Expectations

I have learned that, we as a society, set expectations for everything in life. From relationships to events, how we are going to look at a specific point in time, how our day is going to go, how successful we will be, even how our children will turn out. For the most part, setting expectations is healthy, it is when we set expectations too high or not high enough that we get into trouble. A lot of the time I have to sit back and think, "was I unrealistic in setting this expectation too high?" I guess I expect too much of people/things too often. As my age has grown in numbers, I have realized that I have shifted from setting high expectations for myself to now setting them for how I expect others will be with me. I guess that is part of getting older, having more responsibility, etc, etc. The lesson I am still learning in life is how to deal with the disappointment one feels when that idea/expectation/hope does not live up to the hype. I have always been a firm believer in being yourself and treating others how you want to be treated. I guess expecting others to be the same way is unrealistic. I have never understood the reasoning behind trying to "look" good to others, impressing others, trying to out do each other, gaining approval, etc. Does that mean that I never do that...no. It is human nature to want these things at some level. However, it is unhealthy to make your life about what others think of you. Here is my example....I hear all the time from so many people, "ugh I hate bathing suit season, and I am not going anywhere where people can see me in one." (let me preface that I loathe bathing suit season.) My response to that is...everyone has flaws, things they wish they could improve on, cellulite, more "extra" than they want, etc. But, I am not...let me repeat....NOT going to let what other shallow people view me as take away my love of the beach, swimming, etc. So, when you set such a low expectation of confidence, you begin to miss out on things you love. 
I would like to say I define myself  by the great people I surround myself with. Yes, even the ones that disappoint me by not living up to my expectations. What hurts is when someone I love misses the mark I set for them. Maybe they disappoint me by not going to lunch with me, maybe they disappoint me by not calling, misjudging a situation, etc. Even worse is when the hurt me when I have no expectations for them at all. At some point you have to decide at what level of expectation is realistic, and once you decide that, at what point does that person/thing become unacceptable/damaging to your life. And, that my friends, is the hard part. 
I am fortunate to have a husband that listens to me, helps bring me to reality when I have floated off into space, supports and encourages me, and wipes my tears when my expectations have not been met, even if he is the one that missed the mark. I can deal with unmet expectations with him, because I can talk to him. That is harder to do with family, friends, things, situations, etc. Maybe you say I wear my feelings on my sleeve....well, maybe sometimes I do, but doesn't everybody at some point? The biggest lesson I need to learn is being able to disconnect from those that are harmful and those that are not. We as a society, need to learn to be more open, honest, selfless, and caring. Until then, I guess in moments like this, I should just pour a glass of wine, sit in a warm tub, and dream of being at the ocean. Because, after all, the ocean has never disappointed me. :) 

Ready To Begin

So, I have always enjoyed following blogs, and decided I would start my own. In the weeks to follow, I will begin to blog about topics on crafts, traveling, wine, and life in general. Hope you will check back on a regular basis and follow my blog.